Hello again. How are you? I wanted to tell you about what I've been thinking over the past few days.
It's been hard to get to sleep this week. During the day, I'm tired, and when I go to bed on time, it takes me a while to get to sleep. I think it's stress, partly, and my diet - I haven't been eating enough, but you know that I sometimes get sick of eating. We tend to keep the same things around the house, and since I'm usually on a strict work schedule I don't want to waste time cooking anything, except for smoothies between shifts. I could improve the situation if I were more proactive, I know. It helps to eat something before bed, and I do, but sometimes it doesn't seem to be enough.
Primarily, though, I've been worried. I think and think and think, and then I go to bed thinking, and I wake up thinking, and I get out of bed and think some more. I've not wanted to get up in the morning because I know I'll just be worried all day. What kind of situation is this? It can't be healthy, I don't think, but let me tell you what I'm worried about, and you can let me know if it's reasonable or not.
I've been concerned for several days about what the proper mode of thinking is. That is, what should I be thinking about, and how? What frame of mind should I have? How should a Christian think? I hope you can tell it's bothering me terribly. There's a lot that goes into it, of course - first off, let me elaborate that I'm trying to find the right mindset so that I don't die in the wrong one.
The thing I'm so afraid of is judgment after death. I've become convinced, or at least it seems to be the case in mainstream Christian thought, that your fate after death hinges on whether or not you're a Christian. You know what I mean, right? You've heard all the usual stuff - you can't get to heaven on your own merit or power, just being a good person is not enough, good works aren't enough, the only way through is through Jesus. It seems like the only thing that matters is whether or not you're a Christian; even if you seek God earnestly, it has to be through the Christian way or it doesn't count.
I don't think this makes sense - why would God be so exclusive? why does only one way work? - but that's what they tell you. So I've been worried, because I don't know if I'm Christian enough to get to heaven, or unity with God, or The Good Place, or whatever it is, when I die.
To that end, I've been obsessing over how I think. Am I in a properly Christian state of mind? What if I get hit by a car while contemplating Buddhism? Does that disqualify me from Christianity? What are Christians supposed to think about, and how, and why? I need to know, because I don't want God to reject me when it counts. I need to know if God still has a place for me if I decide to think different things.
Of course, this is all predicated on the assumption that there even exists a wrong or right way to think. Is there inherent meaning to the universe? Or do things just exist, and human being slap meaning onto them because our minds crave it?
That I dislike being wrong is probably the problem. I hate being on "the wrong side", whatever that is in a given situation. I want to be on the right side. The side that's ultimately going to win. The side that has the truth. This might be something I need to start letting go of, because how can the soul grow if you refuse to budge from what makes you comfortable?
In the art world, they tell you to not be afraid of being wrong. Letting go of such fear frees you to be creative.
Of course, with religion, the consequences of being wrong are nearly infinite. I don't think I would be so worried about "wrong thoughts" if there wasn't such a high price to pay. Can you see where this keeps me from finding peace of mind? I can't afford to have it "wrong" when it comes to God.
In Christianity, if you follow any way besides Jesus, you get hell. In Islam, if you follow any way besides Islam, you get hell. In Judaism (the Reform tradition), if you follow any way besides Judaism, you... uh... actually, nothing, because they don't have a conception of hell, just "the world to come", which doesn't discriminate by religion from what I can tell. But I digress.
I hope you can see where I get worried. It's been difficult to relax at night because I'm so strung out about finding a mindset that's pleasing to God. It's almost as if I feel I'm unworthy to have rest. I have to keep thinking until I get it right, or else... or else I'll be stuck wrong and God won't approve of me. I get to feeling like I can't shut the thoughts down. How difficult this gets.
That's plenty for now, I think. Thanks for being there. It helps to talk about these things.
Until next time,
Caro
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